Through the Leaders’ Lens: Turning a Come-On Into a Contact

In a recent column in the New York Times, the author respond to a woman who was “hit on” while in line at a coffee shop and advises her regarding how she may turn this “come on” into a career-enhancing contact.  While I acknowledge the Workologist’s optimism and more importantly, his humanism, his efforts are naive, tone deaf and grossly irresponsible, likely harming this woman’s career rather than promoting it. 

‘Anonymous’ depicts a fairly common scenario encountered by women in business and while it’s harder to handle as a young career woman, it continues through the years regardless of age or seniority.  In many cases, though, overtures like the one made by the ‘older man’ are less a function of age or seniority and much more a function of power.

In my opinion as  an executive coach who works with professional women up and down the pipeline and as a woman who has encountered such overtures both at the beginning of my career and in real time, I unequivocally say that this young woman should NOT — under any circumstances — pursue any kind of relationship with this man.

Forget about a platonic relationship’s being, as the Workologist suggests, a ‘long shot;’ there is no platonic relationship worth pursuing here as his premise was not that:  trying to transform social advances into professional advantage is simply a non-starter and a terrible idea. This is sexual politics and the power relationship was established at the get-go, with this man leveraging his age and presumed influence to ‘come on’ to this woman.

In reality she wants something from this man which automatically keeps her at a disadvantage.

Further, Anonymous is approaching this situation with ‘innocent’ intentions but the truth is that her response or any overture — pure or not — is open to misinterpretation. I teach effective communication and I can say with certainty that men and women speak different languages which presents myriad opportunities for misconstruing words and signals.  At worst, this platonic overture could either confuse or anger (or both) the older man, both of which have the potential to be career damaging, if not ending,  outcomes… for her.  Again, this is sexual politics and the only way to prevail is not to engage.

We also should not forget that in addition to the likely expectation of quid pro quo, this older man displayed questionable character (plus, dollars to doughnuts he’s married) which at some point, will compromise his professional credibility and influence and, in turn, hers. Much better for her to put her energies into building her skills, developing a strong personal brand (which will help her ward off advances like this more easily in the future) and building her own sphere of influence which happens …over time… and with care.

This is the winning formula.